“Skyline” – Dru’s Review
So, I’m a year behind on this one. I only first saw the movie this past weekend, and after three days, it’s still on my mind as probably one of the worst movies out there. Normally, I’d warn of impending spoilers at this point, but the movie is so bad that you’re probably better off having it ruined for you now before wasting those two precious hours of your life.
If you ever find yourself in a debate over what is the absolute biggest waste of time, budget, and logic in terms of cinema, you better be armed with a mass of knowledge concerning the movie Skyline. I had the displeasure of watching this over the weekend and my head still hurts. Let me start out by giving you a brief synopsis of the plot and rundown of characters.
The man I always refer to as “the would-be Scooby on Buffy from the series premier that gets killed by Darla” (Eric Balfour) when I see him in anything else is headed to LA with his girlfriend to meet his best friend, played by that guy from Clueless that ended up as the equally annoying fat dude on Scrubs (Donald Faison). Scrubs guy is a successful something-or-other trying to get Buffy guy and his unrecognizable-girlfriend to move to LA to join his entourage. Unrecognizable-girlfriend reveals she is pregnant and has no desire to live a wealthy and luxurious existence in LA with Buffy guy. Some other nonessential “highlights” of the first 20 minutes involve the revelation that successful-Scrubs guy is cheating on his generic blonde girlfriend and Scrubs-guy’s manager is a giant douche.
Cut to brain-eating aliens sucking people into the jet-engine mother-ship and the rest is bad-movie history. In the end, everyone dies except pregnant unrecognizable-girlfriend who is carted off to a special section of the mother-ship because she’s got two brains (mom and baby) for the price of one. Buffy guy is decapitated, but his pink brain (everyone else’s was blue) is absorbed by an alien-machine hybrid, but manages to retain his humanity by finding pregnant-unrecognizable girlfriend screaming in the “nursery” and saving her from the bad alien-machine hybrids [all takes place in approximately 7 minutes]. The movie closes on alien-machine-hybrid-Buffy guy surrounded and outnumbered on the mothership.
Confused yet? Now you understand why my pink (blue?) brain hurts. I have never encountered such a useless movie before. There is no logic, plot, character of interest, or reason for this movie to exist beyond watching things being eaten alive or blown up. Don’t get me wrong, I love car explosions as much as the next geeky, sci-fi queen, but the whole thing was just pointless and ridiculously out of control. Did I mention the part where a single nuclear missile was able to bring down the jet-engine mother-ship? As cop-out as an ending that was, leaving it at that would have been preferable to what actually happened after the explosion – the jet-engine mother-ship started vacuuming up material around it to rebuild itself, thus prolonging the agony of watching this movie for at least another 40 minutes just to finally reach a highly unsatisfactory conclusion.
The best part? Check out imdb and see the very limited information on Skyline 2 with a tentative release slated for 2012. You know, just in case you had any surviving, functioning brain cells leftover after seeing the first one. This will surely kill the rest of them dead, thereby rendering them useless for when they aliens come to suck them out of our heads.
Avoid or abandon any and all attempts at seeing this movie. You’re welcome in advance.