Porn: A Couples Guide

As I've mentioned before, my day job involves a community of people looking to expand their horizons, sexually speaking. My coworkers and I spend parts of our days finding new ways to get them to feel comfortable talking about it. Something we're aiming for is a society that is more open and honest about sexuality. We're not trying to turn everyone into polyamorous, genderfluid pansexuals, but we are trying to help couples of all races, ages, and genders recognize that sex is natural and wonderful, not gross or bad.

They're all really happy to have a place to talk about their sex lives (mostly) anonymously, and they ask lots of questions.

Something the ladies ask about a lot is how to get their men to watch porn with them, rather than alone.  A few say their FWBs, boyfriends, and husbands won't even admit they look at porn, even though the women have told them they like it, too. One woman told me her guy actually said he'd rather watch porn with his friends.

Fellas, really?

You are not 14, and the woman you're dating, living with, or married to is not your mother. So, why are you still hiding your sexuality?

If there's one thing I learned while I was sowing my wild oats, so to speak, it's that if you're not comfortable sharing everything with someone, it will never be anything more than superficial intimacy. You have to be able to open up to the person you're intimate with if you want it to last. And this means in the bedroom, too.

Something for the women to consider is a lot of the porn men watch might not be something a woman is into. M and I watch some pretty intense stuff featuring a lot of objectification. Put bluntly, the woman are mostly play things to please the men. We're into that sort of thing. (What? I did say we're kinky.)

A lot of men are into that sort of thing. They'd never, in their wildest dreams (okay, maybe in their wildest dreams) think of treating their partners that way, because society (and feminism) say that's totally wrong. Besides that, many women don't like to be treated that way, and it would end badly for all involved.

A lot of men aren't comfortable with viewing that kind of pornography with women because they feel badly about that part of their sexuality. I don't see this as something a person should feel bad about. They just need to find a partner who's into that sort of thing. But some aren't able to reconcile their sexual interests with reality. So, instead, they masturbate alone in the dark to the scenes flickering across their screen, and treat their woman like gold in public. No one is the wiser.

Thing is, when there's a part of someone you care deeply about that they won't share with you – even, and maybe especially, pornography – you start to harbor resentment for that thing. Sometimes, that resentment turns into jealousy and feelings of betrayal, which is where the debate on whether or not watching porn is cheating begins.

The best way to avoid bad feelings is to begin watching porn together. But it sounds a lot easier than it is. Especially if you're one of the aforementioned guys.

The best way to start is talking about it. Ladies, if you're into porn, and you're looking to get your guy to watch it with you, you're going to have to tell him. Go into the conversation armed with the genres you like, and maybe even a few samples to show him. Have at least a cursory knowledge of positions you like to see, and types of penetration that turn you on. Do you like story porn with lots of teasing and foreplay, or should it just get to the point? That sort of thing.

Guys, if you want your ladies to be okay with you watching porn, and maybe even watch it with you, stop hiding your interests from them. That just makes it seem like something we should be concerned about. We're not all delicate flowers who swoon at the site of a penis entering a vagina. Some of us actually enjoy porn. Tell us what you like. Tell us why you like it. Invite us into your fantasy. You never know. We might share similar interests.