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8 Tips To Make It Through The NFL Playoffs Without Killing Your Significant Other

 

I was raised with the NFL. My dad’s a good ol’ boy from West Texas and my grandfather was a business man from South Jersey, so family get-togethers scheduled during Cowboys v. Eagles games got pretty stressful.

Photo by Doug Pensinger/Getty Images

Me? I’m a Saints fan. One of my earliest memories is dancing around the den in a black and gold jersey that hung down to my ankles. I spent last Sunday afternoon curled up naked on the couch with my man, tossing back Buds and watching them wipe their feet with the Carolina Panthers. Who dat?!

Sadly, not everybody’s as cool as me. Just a few minutes on Twitter’ll tell you that. There are a few Significant Others (SOs) who’re pretty bummed by the start of the Playoffs. Grumblings of, “There goes the next four weekends. X will be glued to the TV till the Super Bowl’s over.” and “Probably won’t be able to watch the Playoffs. Y hates football.” can be heard throughout the nation’s timeline. So how’s about some quick (and a few dirty!) tips to get you to the Super Bowl and beyond with the SO you were with when they started? For both sides of the equation.

So, football just isn’t your thing:

Don’t expect your fan to give up a game for you:

Especially if their team’s playing. You’re just setting your relationship up for failure. I know there’s some cool thing you want to do this weekend. I’m so very sorry that it coincides with Wildcard Weekend. Maybe, if you’re lucky, your fan’s team will lose this weekend and they won’t care so much about the rest of the games. But don’t hold your breath.

Don’t interrupt:

Whether it’s with a question about the game or something you’d like them to do when they have a free moment (read: not during a game), I’m betting it can wait till a commercial at least. You’d be a little miffed if you missed the clinching line of, say, Jerry Maguire (“You had me at hello.” ~tear~), wouldn’t you? The Playoffs are our Jerry Maguire.

Go out with your buddies:

If you can’t beat ‘em – and you just can’t handle a bunch of football nuts arguing about what teams are going to the Super Bowl and why – jump in the car and take a road trip with your other uninterested pals. Spend the afternoon doing whatever it is you’d rather be doing. We’re under two hours from the Adirondacks and the Catskills. Bundle up and go for a hike.

Make an event of it:

Sure, it’s too cold to be outside flipping burgers. But there are tons of ways to cheaply cater a party and entertain the non-football fans. Ask your friends to bring some food, something to drink and old board games that encourage group participation. But don’t get overly disappointed if your fan only puts forth effort during commercials. Them’s the breaks, shweetheart.

But you football fans remember:

Don’t ignore your SO:

Yes, I do realize they just asked you to commit to plans you didn’t even hear with Bob and Sue in the middle of a 91 yard run after the most beautiful interception you’ve ever seen, but answer them anyway. Nicely! Even if it’s just to ask if you can talk about it after the game.

Plan a really great date or some quality couple time:

That doesn’t necessarily mean sex. Do something with your SO completely unrelated to football. After the game, of course. Did you think I meant during the game? Are you nuts?! There are five other days in the week! Give up a couple sports talk shows for quality time. Might just up your chances of getting laid, even!

Be sure to get up to some sexy fun during the week:

Or maybe during the game, if you’re alone, eh? Trust me. Ve haf vays of vatching da game und havink da secks. There are all sorts of fun positions to try that’ll allow the football fan to keep their eyes on the game. Orrrr if you’re not alone and your friends are down, that works too.

Cut each other some slack:

Fans, understand your SO will feel ignored during the Playoffs. Non-fans, understand football will be a priority until February. But once it’s over we’ll do something you want to do. Like visit your Aunt Agnes who regularly forgets where she is and has people arrested for elderly-napping. We may not like it, but we’ll be happy to do it because you put up with us and our love of football. Fair’s fair.

Bottom line? Don’t wall yourselves off from each other (or tear each other down) because for the next four weeks your interests aren’t in sync. There’s more to life than just you.

I mean football, honey. There’s more to life than football, isn’t there?

 

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