I was certified by Brian Williams, to write horoscopes. I have a 110% accuracy rate, because I am a American. If you are reading this, you better scroll down and start reading, because if you don't you are going to get hemorrhoids.

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Aries

You will see 50 Shades of Grey and because you are so outgoing, you will attempt to engage in a BDSM session with your significant other, after you see the movie. However because you are so outgoing, you will not think before you try out BDSM and somehow, someway you will end up with hemorrhoids.

Taurus 

No one likes you. You will stay at home and expect for people to come to you. The only reason why people hang out with you is because they feel obligated, probably due to some financial reason. If you go out, you will set up camp and expect for people to come to you, because you think you're the greatest. If you do meet someone when you are out, it is probably because you bought them a drink. But no one really likes you.

Gemini

Don't leave the house! Something bad is going to happen to you. They say that people born under this sign are meant to explore, that is a lie meant to lure you out so that something bad can happen to you.

Cancer

You are going to annoy everyone. Someone will accuse you of being needy and you will get into a argument with them, then you will go home and cry. You will unfriend that person on facebook and then go on a rant on what it means to be a true friend. A Scorpio will show you support and take advantage of you.

Leo

You are the coolest. Everyone is going to be jealous of you. If they try to start with you, punch them in the face and say "King of the Jungle!"

Virgo

You are going to be taken advantage of by a Scorpio. You will not be able to settle for being nothing but someone to be taken advantage of and attempt to confront the Scorpio, who will convince you that you are relevant. Then they will take advantage of you again, but you won't know the difference because you're a Virgo.

Libra

You will take one of you addictions too far and vomit.

Scorpio

You will take advantage of a Virgo and a Cancer.

Sagittarius

Diarrhea.

Capricorn

You will push yourself or someone else too hard, to achieve a unrealistic goal. You will find love but then a Scorpio will take advantage of that person, but you will do nothing about it and pretend it never happened.

Aquarius

You will solve a crossword puzzle, but lose at a trivia game, get frustrated and go out to a karaoke bar followed by a Taco Bell run.

Pices

You don't wanna know.

 

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