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Why Do People Get On Strippers Cases So Much?

So last week, a coworker of mine shared a link to a relationship advice column. Some chick wrote in, plum tuckered out from trying to figure out what to do about a recent “incident” with her husband. She said prior to “the incident,” she’d trusted her husband “because she was pregnant,” which is just so ridiculous I’m not even sure where to begin, but we’ll leave that for another day. Now, because of “the incident,” she feels completely betrayed and let down, and is at a loss for the reason why and the solution.

Five Star Bar Chicago,flickr

What was the incident, you ask? In celebration of a friend’s end to bachelorhood, her husband…went to a strip club.

He didn’t touch, didn’t buy lap dances, didn’t in any way violate her trust. From the way she worded her letter, it doesn’t even sound like he lied to her. He just didn’t explain what they were doing down in Mexico.

Yet, when it became clear that her husband had gone to a strip club, she suddenly lost all faith in him.

What’s more disturbing is the columnist’s reply.

He tells the wife (I’m paraphrasing, at best) she’s feeling the way she does because the sex industry is inherently disgusting and vile. It objectifies women in ways that women would never enjoy, and exploits women already damaged by patriarchal society, and we should all be appalled by the sex industry in all forms.

Here’s the great secret people involved in that side of the feminist movement don’t want you to know. Many of the women involved in the legal side of the sex industry are there because they want to be.

I won’t lie. A lot of men AND women in the adult industry have a dark and depressing past. But just as many enjoy the attention, and the sex, and figure they might as well get paid doing what they love. I’ve known strippers, hookers and Hooters girls who made good money and used it to put themselves through college. I’ve known just as many who dropped out of school because the money’s that good as those who’ve gone on to be whatever they wanted to be.

But besides that, if the problem with men patronizing the adult industry really is the objectification and degradation of women, and not the sex itself, why, then, are these folks still condemning the sex industry in its entirety, instead of throwing themselves wholeheartedly behind the many, many groups of pornographers, strip club owners and employees, sex toy store owners and escort services who are doing everything they can to make the industry a more female-friendly and sex positive place?

You did know there are people working toward a more female-friendly and sex positive sex industry, didn’t you? If not, you’re seriously missing out.

From “feminist porn” that takes into account all the things a woman wants, to online communities tailor-made by and for people who enjoy sex and want to learn more about it, the adult industry is improving by leaps and bounds. And because of this, there are places people who are open about and comfortable with their sexuality can go without feeling like they’ve contributed to the “dark side” of the sex industry.

A friend of mine explained that were she the wife, she’d be bothered, too. When pressed for her reason, she talked about how she felt when she was pregnant. She said she felt ugly, fat and unattractive. I think the term “beached whale” was batted around. And I couldn’t relate. I didn’t feel that way when I was pregnant. The people around me at the time found pregnant women very sexy, so I was more confident while I was pregnant than I had ever been until that point. But a lot of pregnant women can relate, and would also be hurt by their partners heading out to a place where, at least in their minds, the women are much thinner and more attractive.

However, regardless your reasons for disliking the sex industry, the fact remains that we should not be so insecure in our relationships that our partner popping off to the strip club, or checking out some hot thing, or watching people have sex on television shakes the very foundation. And if we are? Well, I hate to break it to you, but the problem is in our relationships and ourselves, NOT the sex industry.

Fear not! There is a solution. And no, I don’t mean telling your partner they can’t go to a strip club.

The solution is figuring out why you have a problem with your partner patronizing these places. What about it makes you uneasy? If it truly is the whole objectification thing, seek out a more female-friendly business.

But if it’s a trust issue, stop making excuses and work it out. Talk to your partner and find out why they go to these places. Tell them how it makes you feel, and why. Before it has a chance to fester. Unless you’re just not that into them. Cause if it festers too long, it could kill the relationship. Dead relationships are no fun.

 

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