Drinking and tweeting are two of my favorite things but I’m slowly learning that these are not too things I should at the same time. Tweeting while drunk is a lot like kissing your attractive cousin, sure it seems fun at the time but in the morning you know you’re just going to regret it. Last week I was out for a friend’s bachelor party and as suspected, we made some very mature decisions on what our bodies consumed that night. I vaguely remember pulling out my phone as the night got hazier but it wasn’t until recently that I looked back at the garbage my thumbs were sharing with the world.

This one I really have no explanation for. I’m certain at the time I thought I had a giant revelation and this was the funniest thing I have ever thought of in my entire life. Looking back I now know this was no epiphany but you try telling drunken Dalton that at 2:00am in Atlantic City.

This next tweet I am almost certain was tweeted exactly at 3:16am. That is the only valid explanation to as why I would have written this.