For a while I have been begging the universe to bring me a pet sloth but I think I have changed my mind. I’m starting to think that maybe having a pet raccoon would be more beneficial.

Watching this sad raccoon get dragged around by this horrible human by a leash (lamp cord) has made my heart bleed. The only thing that can stop my heart from bleeding is to make this little raccoon my new best friend.

I will never tie a power cord around its neck and I would never drag it through the street. Me and this raccoon would rock slick driving gloves and dark sunglasses together. And when we leave the house I would wear my Raccoon like a living breathing Davey Crocket hat. He wouldn’t mind that I was exploiting him to make myself look super fly because he would be getting a free ride.

Did I already mention me and this raccoon would be best friends? Get me this raccoon yesterday!

WARNING: NSFW language.