I’d rather go out on 5 hour energy all pumped and energetic then die looking like a drowsy schmuck!

The FDA is investigating the effects of 5-hour energy drinks and how they might be linked to 13 deaths, heart attacks, convulsions and possibly cause “spontaneous abortions”.

As a professional wrestler I spend hours every weekend on the road and pound this energy shots like I’m trying impress some frat guys. Maybe I am immune to these effects because I’m still living. Or have I died 3 years ago and I’m just walking around on muscle memory from the 5 hour energy flowing through my vanes? Come to think of it, I have had to pull into truck stops and fire out a quick spontaneous abortion or two dozens of times.

Good news: we now know these drinks might kill us.

Bad news: I can’t stop drinking them in fear that I might already be dead.