Women Aren’t The Only Ones Who Say No To Sex

M and I get into abnormal conversations with complete strangers. That is to say that complete strangers feel comfortable talking to us about things they normally wouldn't discuss with other complete strangers. The second they find out I work in the adult industry, and I give sex and relationship advice, they latch on like they've never had good sex in their lives.

That's sad. Good sex is tantamount to happy, healthy adults, I say.

The other day was no different. We'd just returned home from shopping for our Thanksgiving turkey, or something, when our neighbor stepped outside. Somehow, the conversation worked its way to the giant “beanbag chair” that isn't really a beanbag chair so much as a memory foam cloud wrapped in faux suede taking up a quarter of our living room, and where it came from. From there, the subjects we discussed started at types of girls he's attracted to (Cheerleader Barbie), and moved on to some of his fetishes (which do not include spanking, choking, butt secks or feet), and finally settled on his FWBs and their inability to hear “no”.

This kinda surprised me. I know the statistics surrounding men being coerced into sex, but it's rare that a man will admit that he's been coerced into sex. Or, more accurately, it's rare that a man will admit that there are times when he doesn't want to have sex. A manly man is always in the mood. You don't have to coerce him into sex because he already wants it.

Except that's not always true. Everyone, male or female, high or low libido, occasionally finds themselves utterly disinterested in sex.

Our neighbor went on to say that it's happened more than once, with more than one girl. He said he invites them over with the intention of just hanging out, and before he knows it, they're trying to get in his pants. And when he tells them no, they react one of two ways.

A – They try relentlessly to get him to have sex with them until he either gives in or takes them home.

B – They get really offended, as if his temporary disinterest is a testament to how he always feels about them, even when he is in the mood for sex.

Sounds similar, doesn't it? A lot of women complain about men doing the same thing. And it's not just a heterosexual thing, either.

Thing is, there is such a thing as coercing someone to have sex with you. The jury's still out on whether or not this should be considered rape. The jury's also still out on where the line's drawn. Meaning how many times can you ask “Are you sure we can't do it?” before it's one time too many, and you've crossed the line from adorable advances to creepy coercion?

Doesn't matter if you're married, single, straight, gay. You've got the right to not be in the mood. You've got the right to say no.

You alluded to sex but now you don't feel like it? You don't have to have sex with them. They paid? You don't have to have sex with them. They did something nice for you? You don't have to have sex with them. And they don't have the right to pressure you into it.

Our neighbor was almost embarrassed, at first. Then M commiserated with him.

“Dude, I totally know what you mean. Shit happens, you get stressed, it's just not the first thing on your mind.”

I chimed in with words of reassurance. We're not as different as you might think.