Some Truths About the “Big O”: It’s All Relative

The other day, someone tweeted five steps to a better "o". They went like this:

1 – Do it yourself.

2 – Do it yourself.

3 – Do it yourself.

4 – Do it yourself.

5 – Do it yourself.

Mere seconds after the original tweet was posted, it flooded my timeline as other people (mostly women) retweeted it. And I just shook my head.

I mean, what the hell? Way to make sure your partner has no chance of pleasing you ever. You  might as well just lock yourself in your bedroom with food, water and adult toys, because that human sexual connection shared by couples who make forever their bitch? Yeah, you're never going to have it. And that's a damn shame.

If you were to ask me to pinpoint the reason so many relationships fail, I'd be forced to admit that I think society's assertion that we all be completely independent at all costs is a big part of the problem.

I'm not suggesting a person should be co-dependent (which is considered unhealthy among most mental health professionals), or that anyone should be completely reliant on another person or entity. But in even the happiest lives, there comes a time when the correct thing to do is allow someone else to give us a leg up. Be that by paying a bill we can't pay, buying us something nice we can't afford, putting in a good word for us with the boss, or teaching us how to please them in bed. It's just a fact of life.

Unlike animals, which are driven mostly by instinct, people aren't born just knowing how to do everything. For every single accomplishment in life, there is a moment in our past that our eyes were fully open. Even babies have to be taught how to nurse. Some require trained professionals! So why do we think the big "o" – which is more complicated even in their most basic form – are any different?

There's this commonly held belief that if a man isn't making a woman experience fireworks every time he does his thing, he's bad in bed, and will always be bad in bed, and thus, he is a total loser. Unless it's his first time, or he's wasted. Those are the only times he gets a pass. And the intoxication excuse is questionable.

Hogwash. There are plenty of women who rarely or never "o" from basic relations alone. Men, too. And that's totally okay. Because every body is different, and we're all turned on by different things.

But if you're not one of those people, and your partner just isn't doing it for you, open your mouth and say something! Sadly, the free version of the Pleasing Your Partner Sexually app doesn't come with the Psychic Ability feature. You have to upgrade to Married 50 Years, and even then, it's really just Getting to Know Your Partner with a larger database and a new name. Only you can decide if it's worth the price.

But in the meantime...

If you're fooling around with someone who has no clue how to make it awesome for you,  don't just sit there and endure it until it's over, or put a stop to it before it even begins. If they're touching you in a way you don't enjoy, take their hand, and show them how you like to be touched. If they're going too fast or too slow, grab their hips, put your hand over theirs, gently and briefly (unless they're into that sort of thing) guide them.If they're too rough, or too gentle, let them know! Because believe me, nobody wants to be a bad lover.

And if they don't take it well? The proper response is, “I wasn't telling you for me. I figured I'd help the next one out.”

Unless you upgraded to Married 50 Years. In that case, you're on your own. I hear the NPC called Spouse can be pretty nasty when you say things like that.