Snow Forts Are Going To Eat Your Children… Maybe

With great snow fall comes great responsibility. When the snow comes to town to remind everyone that humans are just pawns in the game of life that Mother Nature plays each year it’s important to remember the do’s and don’ts of winter.

I recall being 7 years old (okay, maybe I was 16) and getting super decked out in my winter clothes to go play in the first big snowfall of the year. My friends and I would find a snow bank created by the wind or snow plow and claim it as our new home for the next two hours. Using our hands and shovels we would transform this miniature mountain of snow into a crappy igloo that could fit three bodies comfortable. That is if you consider the fetal position with your face stuck in the snow “comfortable."

This was a very happy memory of mine until I reached my 20s and I learned that nearly 6,700 American children a year are eaten by snow forts (I completely made this statistic up for your own good). This is a problem that is growing by 12 percent each winter (also made up, you’ll thank me someday). I feel it is my duty as a snow fort constructing enthusiast to warn the world of the increasing dangers of snow forts. If you have children please take note of the list below of do’s and don’ts when playing in the snow this season to ensure your safety.

Do: Wear warm clothing to protect your skin from the cold.

Don’t: Wear anything too sexy that may provoke the snow fort.

Do: Use a heavy-duty shovel to help efficiently dig your fort.

Don’t: Abuse the privilege of digging. Snow remembers all who mistreats it and will seek vengeance.

Do: Take pride in the interior of your fort.

Don’t: Enter your fort after being in contact with anything that smells delicious. This will force your fort to swallow you immediately. Snow forts are always hungry! Always!