I used to be a lame...rhymes with duck. No, really. It's true.

I was ashamed of my interest in sex, and I thought the boys I was with were, too, so I did everything I could to act like a) I didn't know what I was doing and b) I wasn't enjoying it. Until one day, I overheard a room full of guys, most of whom I'd had sex with, talking about our time together.

“It's so weird. She obviously likes sex. It's not difficult to get her interested. But then it's like she's instantly turned off.”

“She goes cold, doesn't move. I think she held her breath!”

“You almost feel guilty touching her. Like you're doing something wrong.”

“She wouldn't even take her shirt off. I don't see what the big deal is.”

“But! She'll screw you, for sure. You're totally her type. So, you know, if you're ever interested.”

Suddenly, the shame surrounding my interest in sex didn't seem like such a big deal. Instead, I pondered the idea that my inability to be true to myself had actually made people feel bad about having sex with me. Not because of any of the reasons I imagined they'd feel bad about having sex with me, but for other, much darker reasons.

From then on, I decided I was going to have great sex. Society's views be damned, and screw the boys who couldn't keep up. I was capable of making people feel good and I wanted to. And I never looked back.

So just what is great sex, anyway?

(Insert obligatory disclaimer about great anything being subjective.)

When you think about the best sex you've ever had in your life, how did it go? Were either of you loud? Did you both know exactly where to put your hands? Your lips? Your tongue? Were they gentle or rough? Aggressive or meek? Did the angels sing and the stars align as you both came enthusiastically in perfect sync?

Or maybe you felt completely comfortable with that person, which isn't always the case. Perhaps you share fantasies, or fetishes. Maybe they kissed just right, or gave you just the right amount of attention, or knew all the right things to say.

Yeah, probably not all of that. But some, I'm sure, was involved. And whether or not it made up “great sex” has more to do with you, and less to do with them, than you'd think.

Even if you believe, as some people do, that sex is not strictly about love, sex isn't ever just about the physical connection of two bodies. There is so much mental stimulation involved. From the scent of their hair, to the tone in their voice, to the things they say while they're trying to seduce you, your mind races through emotional reactions to everything you experience. If you're closing yourself off during a sexual encounter, it might not be your partner. It might be you.

Whether you're having sex with someone you're in a longterm relationship with, or it's a one night stand, if your head's not in it, it's gonna be pretty crappy. All the romance, expert touching and seduction in the world from the perfect person for you will still fall flat. The only fair thing to do, for both of you, is to take a raincheck, until you can get out of your funk, lest you attribute your negative mindset to an innocent bystander. Better a potential missed connection than a painful misunderstanding, don't ya think?