Why Are We Having Less Sex?
“My partner and I have been together a while. In the beginning, things were hot, hot, HOT! I’m talking sometimes every night, if not a couple times a day! And now? We’re lucky if we have sex once a week. What happened?”
As I’ve said before, you don’t have to be female, old, or married to experience a decrease in sexual activity or desire. Everyone occasionally finds themselves uninterested in sex for some reason. And since I’m not your partner, the first thing I should suggest is talking to them. BEFORE you talk to anyone else.
I know your first instinct is to run to your best bud, or your sibling, or Facebook. It’s more comfortable to talk to someone not intimately involved in the relationship because if they’re a good friend, they’ll remain neutral, and help you figure out the best way for you to handle the situation. But resist, I say! Especially Facebook.
Fact is, the only one who can tell you what happened is your partner. And even if you run in different circles, airing your dirty laundry online is never a good idea unless you’re a sex/relationships blogger, and have permission from your partner – and even then, there are things you just don’t talk about in public.
But since we’re here, let’s discuss some of the things that typically interfere with the sexual part of a relationship, how to avoid them, and steps to correct them if you’re already there.
You got comfortable. - In the beginning of any relationship, most of us are on our best behavior. We go to great lengths to impress the person we’re with, even if it means doing things we’re not interested in because they want to. Sex is often on that list.
As time goes on, we get to know each other better. We realize that while everyone loves sex, we’re not always in the mood (or there’s something more important to take care of), so we allow ourselves to put it off.
How to avoid it: Be yourself from the moment you meet them. Right down to turning them down when they want to have sex and you don’t.
There’s no point in hiding who you are from the person you’re dating. Building a relationship on lies is setting yourself up for failure.
I’m not saying fart during dinner on the first date, curse like a sailor in front of their parents, or monologue about that time your friend broke his arm and all your buds poked it the whole time you waited for the ambulance. Save those things for…I don’t know; maybe never. But do talk about your love for a rousing game of Super Mario Kart, introduce them to your pet chameleon, and have them taste that one weird dish you can’t get enough of that everyone else hates.
If you’re there: Think back to the beginning of your relationship, and try to remember the things you used to do that your partner liked, and do them again. And talk to them. Seriously.
One of you has been stressed out. - Stress is a libido killer. It’s just that simple. If you’re stressed enough, even the simplest things seem like a chore. So it’s no surprise that if stress isn’t handled properly, it can kill a person’s sex drive for long periods of time.
How to avoid it: There’s no avoiding stress altogether, but there are ways of keeping it from affecting your sex life. Support each other through stressful situations. Don’t ever take your problems out on each other. If you can, put them aside occasionally so you can spend time together without worrying about them. But don’t avoid them. Face them head on.
If you’re there: Identify the cause of the stress and deal with it as soon as possible. Together.
There’s an unresolved issue. - So you remember that day two months ago, when you guys argued over the way you looked at that stranger at the bar? You thought the situation resolved itself, but really, the two of you just deflected your attention to something else so you didn’t have to talk about it anymore. They haven’t brought it up because they think you should at least know something’s wrong, but you haven’t asked about it, so they think you don’t care.
How to avoid it: Everybody argues. Disagreement’s healthy. But the issue isn’t just going to conveniently resolve itself. Work through every problem with your partner, or it will come back to haunt you in the future.
If you’re there: I can’t say this enough. Talk to your partner. Find out what the issue is. Then take the required steps to fix it.
They’re just not that into you. - Sometimes, relationships don’t go how we’d like. People don’t always immediately break up with someone because the relationship’s comfortable, and being single can be scary. It’s crappy you had to find out this way.
How to avoid it: Pay attention. There are always signals. If you notice them, sit your partner down and ask them how they’re feeling about the relationship.
If you’re there: Do both of you a favor and bow out with grace. It will be painful, but I promise you’ll be happier with the outcome in the long run.
There could be a million other reasons your not having sex. Your schedules aren’t giving you enough time together. One of you is sick, or depressed, or tired. So I’ll say it again…talk to your partner before you do anything. What they have to say might surprise you. But whatever it is, you can handle it. I have faith in you.