What Not To Do If Your Partner Cheats
Okay, so your partner cheated. There are no ands, ifs, or buts about it. You found the evidence. You talked to the offending party. You confronted your partner. It's real, and now you have to do something about it. But what?
Really, that's up to you. Can you continue dating them knowing they've already broken your trust once? Do you know for sure it was just once? And why did they do it?
They may not want to discuss it. It might make them uncomfortable. But why should they be comfortable? They violated your trust! Don't let them off the hook. Get some answers and make some decisions.
So since I can't tell you what you should do, how about I tell you what you shouldn't do? Here are 6 things you should never do when you find out your partner cheated:
Pretend It Didn't Happen
If your plan is to stay with them, sweeping their infidelity under the rug will only cause more pain. Without facing the problem head on, trust cannot be rebuilt. How can you have faith that someone will not violate your trust again if they don't know you know they did it in the first place? Add to that the swarm of questions I'm sure are swirling around in your head, and the self-doubt that is slowly building, and you're just setting yourself (and your relationship) up for disaster.
Ask For Details
It's one thing to question their motives. It's another thing entirely to listen to them describe every minute detail of the act. Trust me...you don't want to hear it, no matter how bad you think you do.
Say it with me now: This is not my fault. When it comes right down to it, cheating has nothing to do with the person who was cheated on. It is the failing of the cheater completely.
So you gained a few pounds, or your job keeps you hopping, or the kids always find ways to c-block, or your idea of “good sex” doesn't always match your lover's. These are not, under any circumstances, reasons to violate someone's trust. There is no good reason. If there's a problem, the responsible thing to do is discuss it and find a solution. Cheating is a problem, NOT a solution.
I know it's tempting. You want to warn anyone they might date in the future so it doesn't happen to them. If you can prevent someone else getting hurt, why shouldn't you?
Here's why you shouldn't: you are not the world's savior. They'll just think you're a jilted lover making things up to make your ex's life miserable. And besides...most people have to learn for themselves, anyway.
Once upon a time, I dated a guy who couldn't keep it in his pants to save his life. By our one-year anniversary, he'd cheated on me so many times he'd lost count. When I heard about the sixth girl he'd gone home with, I slept with his best friend.
I knew it wasn't the right thing to do. If I didn't want to be with him anymore, or I couldn't trust him, I should have broken it off, or, at the very least, opened the relationship. But it felt SO GOOD to “get him back”...until it had no affect on him.
In the end, I only hurt myself. For a long time, I was convinced my revenge sex meant I was a dirty cheater, and I'd never be able to have an honest relationship, when in reality, it just meant I was impulsive and immature.
Beg them to stay
Uhm...Ahem. They're the one who screwed up. Shouldn't THEY be begging YOU?