The Reality Behind 50 Shades Of Gray

Yesterday was steak and a BJ day. Normally I'm all for it. Who doesn't like BJs? But all week I've been out of commission. So I ordered M some pizza and went to bed. In my defense, despite not feeling well, I made him steak on Tuesday, and gave him a BJ on Wednesday, so it's not like he missed out completely. He just got them at separate times.

Shut up. I'm so off the hook.

So as I was bumbling around Twitter, in my Nyquil-induced stupor, reading about how others celebrated this glorious day while I waited it out on the bench, I happened across some folks who have read 50 Shades and are now trying to get in on the kinky action. Problem is, they've got no idea where to start.

It sounds easy, right? One of you bends over. The other one spanks. A plus B equals C, or something. Right?

Except apparently, judging by the reactions on Twitter, it's not easy. Not at all! Example?

One woman, without talking to her husband, ran out and spent one thousand dollars (yes, you read that right) on kinky toys only to find out he's not one for spanking, so all the paddles were a waste. And she doesn't like to be tied up, so the $120 Jute rope kit will probably be used to tie things to the top of their car. At least it'll be pretty?

Some guy thought he was being “nice”  and got his single-mom girlfriend a set of Ben Wa Balls. Fellas, if you haven't discussed this previously, don't just go out and get them and think your lady's going to swoon. Some of us females are giant self-esteem bombs just waiting to go off at the most inopportune moment, and one of our biggest concerns (okay, one of MY biggest concerns) is the state of our lady garden. You see where this is going, yes?

So let's avoid all that drama, and begin your foray into the wonderful world of kinky intercourse The Right Way.

First, figure out who you are. I don't mean philosophically, though you'd do well to figure that out, too.  But are you Anastasia or Christian Grey? Do you like to be in control, or do you prefer your lover to take charge?

You don't have to be a woman to submit, and you don't have to be a man to dominate. For that matter, you don't have to be one or the other all the time. You can trade up and see how each of you likes both sides of the coin. But you do, eventually, have to figure out what you like.

Next, bring it up with your partner. There are a ton of ways to do this. Leave 50 Shadeslaying on the bed. “Accidentally” leave your favorite kinky porn flick paused on your laptop when they come to visit. Pick up a cheap pair of trick handcuffs and leave them laying on the sofa. Or you could just be an adult, and say “Hey, guess what! I read that new erotica craze, and I think I might be kinky.”

Then get consent. This is the most important part of the whole shebang. Whether your just banging, or your getting up to some kinky fun, always, ALWAYS be sure to get consent from your partner. Nobody wants to be dubbed a rapist over a misunderstanding, so let's avoid that.

The next step is negotiation. What are you willing to try? What will you never, ever, in a million years, even consider? And are you the type to say “no, no, no” when you mean “yes, yes, yes”? That sounds like a silly thing to be concerned with, but it goes back to the issue of consent. If you are that type, then a “safeword” is probably in order, or a word “the bottom” (the person who is submitting) can say if things get too intense so that “the top” (the person who is in control) will know it's time to stop.

Finally, I know you're lusting after that gorgeous leather whip you found on one of the many sites selling kink toys around the web. It's definitely a beauty. But that $300 price tag is a little steep for experimentation, and you've got tons of stuff laying around the house just begging you to try them out. A wooden spoon, a spatula, or a ping pong paddle all make great beginner paddles. A belt makes a great strap. And you can make a flogger out of rope, duct tape, or an old leather skirt or jacket that is beyond repair.

Above all, just remember to “keep it simple, stupid.” Slow and steady wins the race. And if it turns out you're just not into it? No biggie. There are a million and one other ways to spice up your sex life. Get busy experimenting.