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Stewart’s Has the Best Bags

Is it just me, or does Stewart’s have the best bags? Under my sink, I have many bags: bags from Walmart, Hannaford, Price Chopper, Target, and Smoker’s Choice — not one of them can compare to the durability of a Stewart’s bag.


That’s me, Dan America. You probably don’t recognize me because I have been sick, so I have refused to shave, because when you shave after you’re over your cold, you feel like a new person.

Stewart’s bags are the best because they’re so durable. I hear that Stewart’s is one of the worst places to work because employees are over-worked and underpaid or something, but that’s important, what’s important is their bags and how much they rock!

I should know because I hoard bags, you never know when you will need a good bag, all the other bags are too thin and get holes in the bottom of them eventually but not Stewart’s bags.

I get a new Stewart’s bag once or twice a day because there is a Stewart’s on every corner in New York, I go to Stewart’s every day after work and get a tallboy of Molson because I like to have a beer after work, or am I slowly drinking myself to death? it doesn’t matter because these bags are awesome.

If Batman needed a bag he would probably want it to be a Stewart’s bag.

If you need a place to put your sunshine, you can put it in a Stewart’s bag but don’t put a person who you perceive to be your metaphoric sunshine in a Stewart’s bag because that can kill them, if you have actual sunshine in your hands or your pockets that you harnessed from the sun, put it in a Stewart’s bag.

If you need to catch a ghost, catch it in a Stewart’s bag.

If you’re traveling to Mordor to destroy the one ring, you should bring a Stewart’s bag.

It makes you wonder what these bags are made out of? is it just plastic? or did aliens come down from planet Summo and probe a men named Stewart in New York in order to instal the design or resources for the perfect bag, when I say probe a man named Stewart in order to instal resources, I think you know what I mean.

The truth is out there…. or up there.

On a side note, I think my head cold is slowly driving me mad.

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