It’s 5 guys.. two with stupid names, an angry Armenian, a producer with donkey teeth and one guy who actually knows what he is doing.
Wake up every morning 5a-10a with the Free Beer & Hot Wings show and catch the best of every Saturday morning 6a-10a.
FREE BEER AS WRITTEN BY HOT WINGS AND ERIC ZANE
Free Beer is, without a doubt, the biggest baby in the history of babies. While he is clearly one of the all-time greats when it comes to insulting people or things, he cannot handle it when someone says even one thing insulting to him!!! In fact, if he’s reading this at the same time you are, odds are he’s now pissed because of the numerous insults. He LOVES making people feel stupid, but the fact that this was written in the first place no doubt resulted in a ruined day for Free Beer, complete with the now famous “Quiet” treatment, the “I’ll whine like a bitch” treatment, or the “I’ll Stick out my giant pale lips and be difficult” treatment. Free Beer is also bad at sarcasm, in that it’s impossible to differentiate when he’s being a smart-ass and when he’s just being a dick. Free Beer loves all sports and is a certified trivia and stat geek. He really loves basketball. If the game of basketball had a vagina, he’d make love to it. Not a lot of people know it, but Free Beer used to do play-by-play for CBA basketball. In fact, he’s looking to call donkey basketball games, if anyone’s interested… Another little known fact about Free Beer is that he used to teach (As did Hot Wings). Yes, it’s sad but true. The man who helped bring us the “Nimbus 2000″ prank, the Warren Moon Porn order, and Flower Shop Forum calls has had a strong influence on the country’s future workforce.
HOT WINGS AS WRITTEN BY FREE BEER AND ERIC ZANE
Hot Wings is slow. Not in the sense that he licks windows and has to live in a group home, but rather in the sense that he does everything with deliberation. He thinks about HOW he’s going to do something far longer than he spends actually doing it to make sure he’s going about it the right way. His problem is that in order for him to accomplish something he has to devise the perfect plan. While the normal person thinks, “I’m going to butter this bread”…Hot Wings thinks, “I need to apply butter to this wheat based food substance, and I believe that I could best accomplish that by using a metallic spreader/cutter tool to completely cover the substance in the rich, creamy, substance. This would be best accomplished by moving in a left-to-right motion. First, I must ponder the amount of butter needed to get complete, but not over-coverage, as that would be wasteful.” What you just read would have taken him fifteen minutes and he no doubt would have been distracted by some minor unimportant detail along the way such as someone mispronouncing a word in a conversation he wasn’t even a part of. His wife thinks this is a terrific quality…but not really, because who would? Hot Wings loves music and cars so much that the same vagina analogy used to describe Free Beer’s love of sports applies, and is knowledgeable about both. In fact Hot Wings is knowledgeable about a lot of things. His problem is, because of his ability to memorize useless facts like who played Mel the cook on Alice, and who Max Grabowski is; he thinks he’s smarter than everyone else. As a result, in Hot Wings’ mind, he never makes mistakes and will always try to justify anything he has done. As a result, his logic is often clouded by his own ego. Try as he might, he will never see his own flaws until proof has been provided. And finally, Hot Wings is a classic under-achieving loner who must be prodded into doing things, but as you read earlier he can justify it: “I could have done a better job on that, but I really didn’t want to.” OR “I don’t like to rush into things, but I was gonna get to it.” We should probably include some good things: He’s tall, so he can reach a lot of things. Hot Wings is generally prompt. He usually has money since he’s so cheap. He thinks he’s the best driver in the world, so we guess he’s confident. And he has the biggest Adam’s apple we’ve ever seen.
ERIC ZANE AS WRITTEN BY FREE BEER AND HOT WINGS
Let’s start with the good stuff. Zane is a loving husband and father of three adorable children. When he’s around his children, it’s the only time his common sense is able to overwhelm his alarming ability to be an ass. It’s an understatement to say that Eric Zane is prone to over-reaction. Zane’s reaction to everyday disagreements and interactions are roughly like trying to kill a fly with a nuclear bomb. His reactions to things could best be described as “knee-jerk”. He doesn’t think things through, as there are no consequences too great to make it worth quelling his emotional flashpoints. Also, Zane is fearless, which only adds to his desire to get attention in any way he can. Unfortunately, its this quality that makes him most likely to be fired in a blaze of glory after he told the boss that he should take a flying f— at a rolling donut before he ever asks him to move out of the way again in the hallway. You see, Eric Zane has two forms of expression: silence and rage. So the question is, why all the pent up emotion? With a wife, three children and two dogs, he has no time to relax. The time he could use for himself is now taken up cleaning out the wrinkles in his Bull Dog’s face. Zane is a paradox. He looks at Internet porn mercilessly, and will tell you about it on the way to church. He eats all the time, but is probably on the best shape of the three of us, presumably because the only thing he does more than eat is go to the bathroom to drop off Topeka Stink Pickles. He doesn’t even have time to clean out his “ghetto” car, which is hopelessly filled with boogers and fingernails. Amongst his sea of anger, it’s his humanity that makes him tolerable. No one we’ve ever met is more likely to have outrageous things happen to him and then be dumfounded as to how all these things could happen to one person. How would Eric Zane make his life and all of yours better? He’d return us all to a time when disagreements could be settled by an honest fist fight. No punching when someone’s down. And winner walks away with the girl. Or, in Eric’s case, pounds his pud while thinking of the girl.
Hows it goin’ everybody. We’ve yet to write a full bio for Joe. Instead, it is a work in progress. Writing more as we learn about him. First of all, it needs to be pointed out that Joe was a greasy fat pig when he came to us in early 2005. Since then, he’s stopped eating as much and he looks like a different person. Seriously. Joe has a massive head, not unlike a 30 year old milking cow. His melon is covered with curly blond locks. His stupid hair makes him look a lot like old school pitcher Mark Fydrich or the guy who played the “Greatest American Hero”. Joe is a rather thoughtful person who treats others well. It’s impossible to make him angry. Except when Zane smashes lipstick in his face and grinds it into his teeth (see Joe singing in drag video).