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Should You Break-up With Your Girlfriend Before Spring Break?

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Are you excited about Spring Break? Have you been hitting the gym in hopes of looking your buffest for the girls on the beach? What’s that… you aren’t single? No problem, Spring Break is one of the most popular times for couples to end their relationship. We’ve studied the facts and can help you determine if having a Spring Breakup is right for you (it is).

Is there really a rise in breakups before Spring Break?

According to a study conducted by David McCandless you better believe there is a correlation! The only time to rival Spring Break for relationships endings is the lead up to Christmas, which makes sense because Christmas is also the only time that rivals Spring Break in consumption of beer bongs (maybe that’s just our family).

Courtesy of David McCandless

Now this study is not without it’s flaws. McCandless drew his sample from “100,000 Facebook statuses” that mentioned “break up” or “broken up” into their statuses. Skeptics may point out that looking at Facebook status hardly constitutes a scientific study. But plenty of scientific breakthroughs have occurred thanks to Facebook, like when scientists harnessed everyone posting those “sh*t people say” videos into clean, renewable energy. Other naysayers may point out that writing “break up” in a status does not necessarily mean someone has ended their romantic relationship. Someone could just be posting about watching the classic Jennifer Anniston romantic comedy “The Break Up”, the viewing of which being a widely known Spring Break tradition.

Are you in danger of being dumped?

You probably answered this with an emphatic ‘no!’. “My relationship is solid as a rock” you said to no one in particular. But look back at that graph. It’s hard to argue with Facebook science. So if you aren’t planning on breaking up with your significant other, statistics tell us that she’s probably about to do the dumping for you. (Is that how Statistics works? We only ever showed up to take exams).

Don’t worry; you can still have a great time at Spring Break if you were dumped. Try pulling the “sullen broken hearted” card (which won’t be hard, you will likely be plunged into a deep depression of which the emotional scars may never fully heal) and get some rebound sex. So go find some girls at the Henna tattoo station to pour your heart into. You may wind up with some pity sex. Far more likely is that your abject sadness will make it impossible for women to view you as a sexual entity at all and they’ll wind up hooking up with one of your more jovial buddies. Way to be an awesome wingman!

Should you breakup with your girlfriend before Spring Break?

Probably! All of your friends will be doing it and they always have the best ideas, like when you all decided to start playing beer pong with Popov vodka. Need more convincing? Take this three-question quiz!

1. Are you going somewhere cool for Spring Break?

Is your spring break destination somewhere regularly name dropped by Drake or Lil Wayne? When you order a margarita is there a chance that the waitress will serve you out of a water gun and/or her breasts? Do college coeds regularly disappear, presumably to be sold into a slave labor ring? Congratulations! You’re going to a “Spring Break Hotspot”. Make your tearful goodbye to you beau now and get working on that base tan!

If you have instead chosen to go one an “alternative spring break” where you build houses in a village in Peru pat yourself on the back because you are a better person than us. Unfortunately, these alternative spring breaks aren’t exactly known for their wild sexual adventures. Still, the kind of girls who go on these types of trips often pride themselves on being sexually liberated, which means that they just don’t need a beach or alcohol to be plied into regrettable vacation sex.

2. Are you going to Spring Break with your girlfriend?

If you were dumb or “in love” enough to book a Spring Break trip with your girlfriend then dumping her may be a poor course of action, especially if you two are sharing a hotel room. Your only course of action is to dump her and then have a competition where you two try to bed the most strangers before having an epiphany that you are each other’s soul mate. If you don’t wind up back together you can always try to sell the movie rights!

3. Are you graduating this spring?

Jesus, do we need to spell it out? You’re just going to break up after graduation anyways, might as well have a few months of fun to offset the anxiety of entering a depressed job market. What’s that, you two have already talked about trying to make it work long distance? Good luck, see how long that lasts when you meet people you have more in common than “vague interest in introductory Philosophy”.

Besides, if you two are really meant to be then your relationship can weather a brief split up. And just think how great the makeup sex will be!

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