Rayne Reads You
Thanks to the comments, and the fan mail, and the following I’ve accrued on Twitter (@RayneMillaray – come hang out with me! Unless you get offended by sex talk and swearing. I say the “f word” A LOT.), there is no doubt that you’re reading me. Especially the guys. So I wanted to let you know I read you. And I thought what better way to do that then to answer the question I get asked most often.
On Rules for One Night Stands, Torch Onepercenter asked, “WHY can’t I find chix like you?” He must be guy number 928259873872082834 who has asked that very same question in the 17 years I’ve been sexually active. But the thing is, I wasn’t born this way, and some of the things that shaped my views on sexuality also gave me some extra emotional baggage to carry around with me.
For example, I didn’t start having one night stands out of some desire to be sexually open and accepting.
I came up in a Christian household with rather restrictive ideas about sex. Women (specifically) shouldn’t have sex before marriage because they’re supposed to be pure for their husbands. Women who aren’t pure will find themselves regretting giving up their virginity before finding the man they’ll be with forever. And besides, what is there to look forward to in marriage if you have sex before you say your vows? So I decided to wait. Regret is ugly, and I didn’t want anything ugly to have a part in my forever.
Then I started dating this guy who I loved so much it hurt. And when I wouldn’t have sex with him, he broke up with me to date a girl who would. So I immediately started looking for someone with whom I could lose my virginity, even though I didn’t really want to, because I was afraid no guy would ever want me if I wouldn’t have sex with him.
The first guy I had sex with was my best friend’s older brother, and he was so traumatized by it (he didn’t know I was a virgin and I reacted badly to the pain) that he didn’t speak to me again for at least a year. It was hella awkward when I spent the night at her house. “Hey, J, how’s it going?” ~crickets~
Because I had so much wrapped up in that first sexual encounter (thanks, society!), I was devastated. At first. But when hellfire didn’t rain down on my head, and I healed without much effort, I decided, “hey, sex isn’t quite the big deal the world makes it out to be,” and sex became just another social interaction for me. A social interaction I happen to need more than some women. For a while, that had the added benefit of self-loathing. When I was a teenager, if you liked sex as much as I do, and especially things like one night stands, you were a bad person.
The second guy I had sex with got me pregnant. We stayed together on and off for six years, but he cheated on me every chance he got. And because I tend to obsess about every bad thing that happens to me (yay, OCD!), I analyzed the hell out of the sitch to see why I was so bothered by it the third, fifth, tenth time he did it, yet still went back to him every time.
I realized, in all my analyzing, that I really don’t give a rat’s patooty about who my partner has sex with. I just need them to be honest with me. If not out of loyalty, then at least to protect my health. Luckily, my ex’s parting gift to me was trust issues, so even if someone wasn’t honest with me, I was safe, because I made them wear protection every time we had sex just in case, and I never expected anyone to be loyal to me.
That’s when the name-calling started. I was a whore, a slut, a tramp. I was a shitty person because I like sex. I “slept with everything that moved” and “loved the D more than anything else in the world” and I was “dirty” and untrustworthy and…
So here’s what I propose. You want there to be more girls like me so you can have sex without having to make a commitment when you’re not ready to commit? Stop telling girls like me they’re whores. Stop treating girls like me as if they’re not worth anything more than something to get your D wet. And stand up to your guy friends who do those things in front of girls like me so we know you’re making an effort to make the world more comfortable for those of us who don’t subscribe to conventional ideas surrounding sex.
Give us a reason to trust you; a reason to be comfortable being who we are. And eventually, we’ll let you in. Literally and figuratively.
And that’s all I’ve got to say about that.