Punxsutawney Phil Has Been Indicted
Punxsutawney Phil, the bastard groundhog who promises an early Spring and yet we never see it, has been indicted by a Butler County Prosecutor in my home state of Ohio.
Yes, someone actually filed for an indictment of a groundhog. Butler County Prosecuting Attorney Michael Gmoser alleges that on/around February 2nd, 2013 “Phil did purposely, and with prior calculation and design, cause the people to believe that Spring would come early.”
Gmoser claims he woke up on the first day of Spring to blowing wings, snow, and falling temperatures. “Punxsutawney, you let us down”, claims Gmoser adding that it “constitutes the offense of MISREPRESENTATION OF EARLY SPRING, a Unclassified Felony, and against the peace and dignity of the State Of Ohio.
John Griffiths, one of Phil’s handlers, says not so fast. “f you remember two weeks ago on a Sunday, it was probably 60, 65 degrees. So, I mean, that basically counts as an early spring.”
What’s next for the little guy? An extradition hearing? Who knows but Gmoser wants Phil’s penance to be death. According to Gmoser “since he’s already serving a life sentence behind bars, as you know. There wasn’t much left as far as a penalty other than a death sentence.”
Only in Ohio folks, only in Ohio.