This weekend will be my first time in Albany for Tulip fest. I have never been to this event before but I have attended outdoor festivals and in my head I have compiled some reasonable expectations.

For the past couple weeks everyone has been telling me about how great Tulip fest is and how I can’t miss it. I like excitement and I will be out at tulip fest with Q103. however, below is what I expect from this festival downtown and if it is not met than the weekend is a total bust!

First off there better be tulip EVERYTHING! Anything you can sell with the word “Tulip” in front of it. Such as “Tulip lemonade, Tulip tote bags or my favorite, Tulip Tulips”!

Next I expect to see Tulips everywhere I look and not just any kind of tulips. If there isn’t tulips as big as the size of a Great Dane then we as a city are not trying hard enough. It’s called “tulip fest” and we should show our pride but growing a radio active Tulip so large that you could house a family of 4 inside it.

I expect delicious food but with a tulip twist. Tulip on a stick, deep fried tulips or tulip nachos where instead of corn chips you dip tulip petals into nacho cheese. Delicious and a great source of fiber!

An exciting bout for the crown of “Tulip Queen”. I’m not positive what it takes to become “Tulip Queen” but I imagine there is a series of physical test including a long drawn out hand to hand battle between the contestants where the last one standing wins the crown. They will use all sorts of weapons constructed completely of tulips. If this is not how the contest actually works then keep it to your self,  I don’t even want to know the truth.

Finally I expect large speakers scattered amongst Washington Square Park blasting “Tiptoe through the Tulips” by Tiny Tim for the entire weekend. Nothing brings out the spirit of Tulip fest more than the squeaky soothing voice of Tiny Tim and his ukulele.