I received a phone call inviting me to a diamond party. Finally I know how it must feel to be someone like Leonardo DiCaprio or Kim Kardashian’s dog walker. I don’t own a single piece of jewelry but being invited to this party sure feels good. I’m not going due to the fact that I am scheduled to appear at a professional wrestling show on the same day and also I’m not a rap star.

I don’t have the slightest clue what goes on at a diamond party but I have a feeling it’s not what I would want. I would prefer the entire party to be Neil Diamond-themed. But I suspect it’s going to be just a bunch of chubby suits buying shiny rocks for their trophy wives.

If I show up to Crossgates Mall this Saturday for a party, you better believe it’s going to have sparkles. But those sparkles will be on low cut shirts of people rocking blue jeans. Diamonds are forever, but not as forever as blue jeans.