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How Much Sex Is Too Much Sex?

M’s kid (21 – M’s a bit older than me) has a very cavalier attitude about sex. I’m not really sure where it came from. M never really talked to his kid about sex beyond the typical sexual health/reproduction chat. Nonetheless, he’ll talk to us, strangers, friends about sex like we’re talking about ice cream, or the weather. Not in that weird, bring-it-up-every-second-he-gets-with-no-opening-whatsoever way that some people do, but if conversation flows in that general direction, he doesn’t shy away from it.

And to hear him tell it, he doesn’t shy away from sex, either.

Personally, I feel this is a healthy attitude to have, as long as you’re responsible about it, but is there a line? Is there such a thing as too much sex?

M’s kid says yes.

“I was with this girl for a while, and all she ever wanted to do was have sex,” J said. “I’d call and ask if she wanted to go to the movies, study, have dinner. She’d say, ‘Nah, let’s just stay home and have sex.’ It got boring after a while. I had to break up with her.”

I was kinda blown away. It’s not often you hear a guy call uncle when it comes to sex. At least, not in front of people. That’s just not manly.

But it’s true. I’ve been in all kinds of relationships. Some that lacked sex. Some that lacked strings. Some that had a lot of sex and a lot of strings. And, yes, even a relationship with too much sex.

You remember that beautifully insane person you hooked up with at the bar when your favorite band was last in town? You took them home, or they took you home, and the sex was phenomenal. You were still knockin’ boots when the folks at the after party were cooling their heels in Denny’s before heading home to crash. When they were crawling out of bed to start over, you were just crawling in. You were both in and out of sleep, and when you were out at the same time, you were having sex again. And then finally they went home.

Two days later, you bumped into them again, and it was the same thing all over. And two days after that. And two days after that. And the more you think about it, you realize you don’t know much more than their name.

I mean, having a relationship with someone that is supposed to be just about sex is valid, if that’s what you’re into, but it’s a different story entirely if the idea is to connect with someone on another level.

I once had a long standing agreement that whenever I or my lover showed up in the same place, we’d go home together, and be gone before the morning. We never spent time together during the day. We usually avoided each other when we did run into each other until we were ready to leave, and we didn’t really talk about anything.

It was perfect for both of us. Neither of us had any business being involved in anything more. But it was empty, and eventually it wasn’t enough.

It’s completely relative, of course. “Too much sex” in one relationship can be “not enough sex” in another. M and I have more sex than my former lover and me, and sometimes it seems like it’s not enough. The difference? Our muchness.

You know what I’m talking about. What makes you as a couple you. That bond. That underlying sizzle. That attraction. The companionship and quality of your time together.

So where is the line drawn? Where ever you want it to be. But don’t fool yourself into believing you just have a healthy sexual relationship if it’s a relationship all about sex. They are very different and they each have their place. And you’ll save everyone involved a whole lot of heartache if you know which one it is that you’re in.

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