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How Did We Miss June Being The Month O’ Mouth Party?

Okay, so I know it’s almost over, but guess what June is. No really. Guess.

photonew18, flickr

You’re so totally off base I’m laughing at you. Seriously. Big belly-shaking guffaws. M’s looking at me kinda funny.

I might be a little drunk.

Here. I’ll give you a hint. Remember last month, Dalton told us it was Masturbation Month? Think in that direction. Hell, depending on how you phrase it, they even start with the same letters!

You look confused. Fine! I’ll tell you.

June is Mouth Party Month! Okay, so everyone else calls it “Oral Sex Month,” but I liked “mouth party” so much when I first heard it on Free Beer and Hotwings, I’ve been using it ever since. (Thanks, guys!)

And no, guys. This month is not just about fellatio. Get over yourselves.

So, I put it in Google to see what I could see. Of course, some of the first results are from Cosmo and Redbook. What girl doesn’t want tips on how to be a mouth party goddess, right?

Lots of them, actually, but often it’s based on misconceptions. Men and women are told genitals and the fluids they excrete are stinky and taste nasty. On top of that, many groups believe that even if your married to the person you’re going down on, it’s just plain wrong. Sex is one man, one woman, missionary style with the lights off, right?

About you guys, Redbook says:

“Men love all oral sex. If you’re down there, he’s in heaven, period.”

So, guys, you’re so desperate to get us down there, even bad sex is the best thing that ever happened to you. Also –

“… just take a tip […] which will get you using your tongue, lips, and, yes, even teeth on his prime real estate in ways you’ve never imagined (nor has he, which is really saying something).”

Teeth? Teeth?! In all my years of sexing up whatever boy I was with, I’ve met exactly two who enjoy teeth on their junk. And here they are suggesting it like it’s common practice. I mean, maybe it’s okay, and I’m the one who’s confused. But most of my male friends cringe and cross their legs when you mention it.

The quotes on Cosmo are even worse. One girl tells us that if you just blow on a penis and kiss the head, it will feel like you’re deep throating. Uhm…no.

The myths surrounding cunnilingus are just as bad. Some men don’t even know what a clit is! And many of the ones who do think that’s the only part of the vagina they should stimulate. Trust me, fellas. Whether or not there really is a g-spot, there is a spot in there on most women that feels a whole lot better than anywhere else when stimulated. Except maybe the clit.

If you’re one of these unfortunately sheltered individuals, take everything you’ve ever heard about oral sex and forget it. Not all semen tastes gross. I personally like the smell of most lady gardens. And there’s no such thing as ugly genitals.

So here’s what you do. Think about what you like when people are lapping away at your parts, and start there. Be sure to stimulate the entire area. Use your fingers, hands, lips, tongue. Get creative.

Don’t be afraid to ask your partner how they like it, and encourage them to be forward with instructions. And when it’s your turn to be on the receiving end, be just as forthcoming with your own desires. Guide their hands, and let them know you’re enjoying it.

But there’s more. Nobody wants to feel like their parts are a turn off. While you’re down there, tell your partner how much you’re enjoying giving them pleasure, too! This will help them to relax and be more comfortable with your new up-close-and-personal view of what’s in their pants.

I can’t tell you exactly what to do. Some like vigorous movement and firm pressure. Others like it gentle and slow. Like everything else, you just gota play with it. Pun optional.

Oh, but do us all a favor, hmm? Wrap it up if you’re not monogamous. Sex is always less anxiety inducing when it’s safe. Most any clinic offers free condoms and dental dams. Take advantage!

Follow Rayne on twitter for more tips and advice


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