Recently a friend of mine told me about "skin-to-skin contact." It's the new thing where new dads are encouraged to rub their naked babies all over their own naked chests.

Getty Images

You may be asking yourself, "What has this world come to?" but skin-to-skin contact between an infant and their father has many benefits.

Accelerates Brain Development

Once Dad starts rubbing their baby all over their naked chest the baby will become aware of what's happening and start to ask questions like, "What the F@#$!?"

Calms and Soothes

Or it at least it seems that way. Whenever I am being hugged and snuggled by a shirtless man, I remain calm and make no sudden movements, I will humor the half naked man for a moment before politely pulling away.

Improves Quality of Sleep

Because if you pretend you're asleep then the half naked man will leave you alone.

Enhances Immune System

Coincidently, the only real medical issue I have is my sensitive skin. According to the skin-to-skin experts, skin-to-skin contact stimulates the immune system, if my skin is sensitive then it must be pumping out antibodies all the time, so in other words skin-to-skin contact with me will enhance anyone's immune system. So the question is: who wants to go skin-to-skin with me? Ladies?

Stimulates Digestion and Weight Gain

Correct me if I am wrong, but is this a fancy way of saying that your baby will poop on your naked chest? As for the weight gain, isn't that also a psychological effect in response to being traumatized?

Synchronizes Heart

That actually sounds terrifying because if my heart is synced to my baby's because I am rubbing it on my naked chest, what happens if I stop?

Promotes Psychological Well-Being

I disagree, seriously, the kid is going to grow up thinking that every time they're uncomfortable all they need is a warm, naked hairy chest to snuggle up against. I am not saying that this is wrong, I have a lot of friends in the Bear Community, but seriously, I am pretty sure that they're more ways to bond with your baby then rubbing them all over your own skin.

I Know That I Keep Referring to Babies As 'Its'

My wife does not think it's funny too.