What's the nastiest thing you've ever said in your bedroom?  I don't think I can say the nastiest thing I've ever said in my bedroom here. I think it's decidedly too nasty. I'm a dirty, dirty girl. I should be punished.

But dirty things don't always roll easily off the tongue. It can be difficult even when you know your lover will be crawling up the walls with desire when you lean in close and whisper in their ear all the magically delicious things you want to do to them. Even I have trouble sometimes, and I've built a career on sex. So I figured I'd give you a few pointers.

First step? Think about what you like to hear. I know last week I said not everyone likes the same things, and that's true. But that doesn't mean you can't use what you like as a jumping off point. Everything in life is a learning experience. Nothing worth having comes easy.

Obviously, once you've figured out what you like to hear, you'll have to change around the parts, and how you relate to them. Though telling your girlfriend you're going to suck on her penis might elicit the humor vote. It's your call, really.

The next step is screwing your courage to the sticking point. Quit stressing it and just do it. You might sound silly. It happens. M and I end up giggling at each other all the time. Hell, for that matter, say silly things on purpose!

“Oh my darling, I can't even begin to tell you how much I'd love to penetrate your moist grotto of sweet, sweet honey dew with my salami of sexual seduction!”

Okay, don't say that if you're seriously looking for some action unless your girl's used to you being as silly as me. Say something else, less silly but equally as tension breaking. Ease your way into it.

“Come here, you sexy thing. You make me so hot.” is always a good place to start. But don't stop there. Tell your lover why. Lean in close and let the gentle warmth of your breath make every tiny hair from behind their ear to the top of their spine stand at attention. Your lips “accidentally” brushing their earlobe is a bonus.

Here's where your mind should begin to wander. To the way your tongue feels against your lover's throat. The gritty, salty taste of the spot between their neck and their shoulder when they wake up in the morning. The musky scent of their arousal. Imagine the path your fingers will trace from chest to waistband. The way their skin feels to your touch. The sounds they'll make when you find that sweet spot.

And then tell them about it. Make them feel it without so much as touching them. Use words you never use in polite company. If your lover's okay with it (some people aren't and that's okay), use words that start with letters like “F” and “C” and “S”.

Above all, though, it should be in your voice and in your eyes. When they look at you, they should see how badly you want them. They shouldn't have to pay attention to what you're saying to hear it in your voice.

You'll know when you've got it right. They won't be able to sit still.