Well, Capital Region, I must say, after the Trapt concert, I'm a little less worried about the state of your sex life. Instead, I'm a little concerned about the state of the barroom pickup.

Our night went like most standing-room-only concerts go if you don't get the rail. I'd find a place to stand where I could see the whole stage, commit to guarding this spot with my life, and then watch helplessly as the area in front of us filled up with people a whole head and shoulders taller than me. (Maybe they should start doing concert admittance the way they do school pictures?) So we finally gave up and moved to the back where I could actually see the stage. And dance.

And dance I did. And this is when I started noticing your (totally lacking) pick-up techniques. I didn't have a choice. A lot of them were aimed at me.

Dude #1: You were cool. So cool, in fact, that M didn't even notice you glance over your shoulder to try and catch my eye. It was hard not to laugh when you succeeded, and your whole face lit up. But you didn't even say hello.

A little confidence goes a long way. Next time you see something you like, pull yourself up by the bootstraps and ask her to dance. Maybe she'll say yes if she's there alone. Either way, you win because at least you asked! And I think you'll find the world won't end.

Dude #2: Yes, I did know you walked by me and leaned against the wall (which ultimately ended with you squished between two dudes) in an attempt to get me to dance with you. So did everyone else watching you. Despite your slick-cat, frat-boy babyface, you just weren't smooth enough. No straight guy intentionally places himself back to belly with two dudes when there's plenty of room elsewhere.

I guess there weren't many options, though, when I stepped back to “let you pass” instead of stepping into you. Even if I was there alone, I wouldn't have danced with you “by accident”. That shit only works in romantic comedies.

Dude #3: The evening began with you trying to get into the pants of one of the two girls you went with. She was a little interested. It was cute watching the two of you flirt. Then she caught you staring at the girl dancing behind her and walked out in the middle of the show. It was a full set before you finally stopped watching the dancer and went looking for your date.

When a girl you're with leaves the concert because you're looking away from the band to watch someone else dance, it's time to take a minute and really think about what the @$#% is wrong with you. How rude.

Granted, some girls are drama queens. Maybe you just looked and let your eyes linger too long. That's normal. But in this case, the girl you were staring at was me, and I cannot tell a lie. You watched me more than you watched the band.

Dude #4: The girl you went with noticed me dancing. Then she noticed you notice me dancing.

You also noticed I was with someone and averted your eyes. Kudos for being that guy.

But then, when the girl you brought decided to try to get your attention by dancing, you stiffened up and pushed her away.

Not cool, dude. I bet you didn't even get a kiss on the cheek at the end of the night, huh?

Dude #5: We all know this fella. He pulls up a spot at the bar and doesn't move the whole night. It's a five or six hour event, so every girl in the joint will at least stop by for a bottle of water. And he'll ask every one of them if he can pay for it.

He even offered to buy M's drink. I shoulda let him. Twenty bucks saved is twenty bucks saved, ya know?

On the real, though, fellas, if Dude #5 is you, please do yourself a favor and muster up some self respect. You're, at worst, average looking, you've just had some tough breaks. Even you deserve someone to love.

When it comes right down to it, we females aren't as difficult to figure out as some would have you believe. The “correct way” to hit on us is to just flipping talk to us. Fo' sho'.