Dan America’s Rock ‘N Derby Survival Guide (Map)

Q103 proudly presents Rock'N Derby at the Schaghticoke Fair Grounds May 20-22. It's going to be a weekend full of music, demolition derby, and professional wrestling, and Dan America has your guide to survive the awesomeness of this awesome weekend!

I have read all of the rules and memorized the map and now I will share my wisdom with all of you. This weekend is going to be awesome, but sometimes too much awesome is too much awesome for people who are not used to too much awesome to handle.

Here is what you will need to survive:

Toilet Paper

It's not just for number 2 -- TP can be used to clean up a lot of messes; it can be used as a way to pick up girls, too. How? If you need to ask, then you will never know.

TP can also be used as a pillow, and you can eat it if you run out of money for food.

Moist Towelettes

Because sometimes there is not enough toilet paper, or toilet paper is not enough.

Pretty sure that you can eat these too.

Extra Underwear

You never know when you're going to need clean underwear, or you may be a hero for someone else who needs clean underwear. Going commando is cold and gross, so bring a lot of underwear. I am pretty sure you can eat your underwear, too.

A Sharpie 

For autographs, phone numbers, Facebook and twitter handles. You can write or draw on yourself too, but it better be for a good reason. The point of the Sharpie is for you to have a reliable writing utensil when you're at Rock 'N Derby and need to write something down. You will be thanking me.

Do not eat your Sharpie.

Spoon

For digging and scooping. Suppose you have to dig a trench or a foxhole?

Do not eat your spoon.

Spork

For eating, because a spoon is more of a tool, and a spork is a spoon and a fork, so you can use your spoon for more important things.

Do not eat your spork.

A Paper Cup

For drinking things and catching rain water when you run out of money from drinking things. You can also bum a drink from other people as long as you have your own cup, but it has to be a paper cup -- it's the rules.

You can eat your paper cup, but then you won't have a paper cup anymore.

Plastic Bag

To put things in and keep them safe from the elements. If you think that a plastic bag is not enough, then you're not using it right. It has to be a plastic bag -- nothing else is allowed.

You're welome.