Dan America Strikes Back Against Foreigners Who Think Our Food Is Gross

On The Free Beer & Hot Wings Morning Show they spent some time going over a list of American foods that foreigners think are gross. I say, if it is a food fight they want, then it is a food fight they are going to get. Because like it or not America, I am your last line of defense.

Cheese

Foreigners don't like our cheese. Well at least America does not smell like cheese, like France.

Cheese Whiz and Velveeta Cheese have been singled out as America's fake gross cheese. Well at least Americans are not going around tugging on every other mammals nipples.

What is more gross, fake cheese or head cheese?

I suppose head cheese isn't gross after your done chewing on a cows tongue and eyes.

Cheese Whiz and Velveeta is not gross, it is a miracle of science. That is one of the things that makes this country so great, we can eat and get fat off of science!

Then we can lose weight with the help of science!

Foreigners are jealous of our science cheese.

Breakfast Cereal

I believe that this one is a conspiracy. Foreigners want to destroy Michigan, they never got over the fact that things like the Motor Vehicle and the Assembly Line came out of Michigan. I am pretty sure that China is behind this and I don't understand, what did Michigan ever do to China?

So I am going to get Captain Crunch and Tony the Tiger on this. I don't know what the Captain is a Captain of, but he has got to be good for something. Tony the Tiger is a Tiger so that is threatening. Then I am going to get the Dig em Smacks frog so that when they try to eat him, he can smack them back.

Can't get Toucan Sam, the Trix rabbit or the Sonny the Coacoa Puffs bird because the Chinese will just eat them. Forget about Snap, Crackle and Pop because they eat babies in China, they won't think twice about three bite sized humans. Ever wonder why you never really see Chinese little people?

Maybe that is what China has against Michigan, it is where all the Chinese little people are hiding, because they don't want to get thrown into a Wok.

As for the rest of these foreign countries, were going to get the Air Force to drop two scoops of raisins on their capitals. Just to be jerks.

Bread From the Market

While all those foreigners are waiting for their loafs to rise, I will be at home eating Peanut Butter and Jelly on Wonder Bread!

Twizzlers and Red Vines

Why? Because they are not shaped like fish?

Snow Cones

I think foreigners need to give Snow Cones a second chance, so I am going to make a bunch of yellow snow cones for any foreigner who thinks our food is gross.

Hershey's Chocolate 

They say it has a dusty texture. How do foreigners know what dusty chocolate taste like?

They must be pretty desperate for chocolate if they will eat old dusty chocolate and in that case, FINE, don't eat our chocolate. More for us! Go eat your old dusty chocolate.

Casseroles 

At least they are not dumplings soaking in reindeer blood and bone marrow.

In America we don't like to recognize the animal we are eating. So we don't eat boiled calf's or lamp's heads.

That is what's great about Casseroles, you never know what you're eating and sometimes you don't want to know.

Root Beer Floats

Foreigners are just jealous that they did not think of it first, so that they could give it some stupid foreign name.

Grits, Biscuits and Gravy, Meatloaf, Corn Dogs and Jerky. 

Great they just pissed off the South.

American Bacon

THIS MEANS WAR!!!!!!!!

Pop Tarts

I am glad you foreigners don't like our Pop Tarts because after we are done bombing your country because of what you said about our bacon! Pop Tarts are all you're going to get!

Because they are the only thing that can survive the nuclear blast! As long as they are in their package. Huh huh huh huh huh huh huh huh.