An Albany woman decided it was time to own a python, in Long Island.

Pet ownership is a very serious decision not to be made on a whim. You have to be ready for the needs of your new pet, and show responsibility.

Below is what I have deduced to be the timeline of events:


  1. Get drunk.
  2. Decide the best life decision right now, would be ownership of a python, that'll show whomever.
  3. Get to a pet store.
  4. Realize that snakes are expensive.
  5. Steal a snake from the pet store. It's easy to get away with because no one believes anyone is crazy enough to steal a snake.
  6. Considering there was no consultation with the reptile experts at the pet store, decide to drive home with the snake resting comfortably on your chest, best co-pilot ever.
  7. Snake freaks out because it's a snake, in a car, on your chest. None of this is natural.
  8. Realize there's an angry python on your chest, lose control of vehicle, cross the median, hit a car and keep on going.
  9. Crash into the front doors of the new Hyde Park Fire House, smashing into two fire trucks.